Wednesday, June 4, 2008

so i need to remember how to be personal again.

christy was here for the weekend. she left here this morning, and i am much lonelier now than i thought i would be.
she came to bring me my wedding dress! which fits nicely, and i think is really lovely. it might be a bit warm come august, what with long sleeves and all, but fitting+free=i love it! it's really old fashioned feeling, and i feel very at-home in it, since it's mommy's. i don't have to figure out what is most "me" from all the mass=produced homogenized companies' stock, i find something personal instead. it feels much more comfortable that way.
while christy was here, we talked about her moving up here sometime in the next year or two (what fun!) and ate lots of food, and i had her sit for a portrait for me. it isn't quite done yet, but i need to only work on things like background and finishing touches, and the important bits are done. which means i probably should have finished it today, except i somehow accidentally took a three hour nap. it probably would've been longer, if i hadn't managed to convince myself that i ought to eat lunch sometime before dinner.
and, i officially received my first formal wedding gift yesterday! it's a lovely red blender, and i wish i could open it up and use it for smoothies and hummus and pesto right away! but i don't think that would be nice, and i'm afraid that i would break it or lose a piece in our mess of a kitchen, before i'm actually married, and moved to our nice new neat apartment. but it looks so tempting, and so... red.
i don't like being lonely, and i don't like spending hours online, and i don't like being in charge of planning this wedding, because i don't know what i'm doing, and i do know what i want, and i don't know how to let anyone else know.
i want to watch Firefly, and knit, and get to know other people who like those things, or at least people who don't creep me out or make me feel uncomfortable or awkward or lonelier.

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