Monday, May 3, 2010


We've been eating out a lot lately. I thought it would bother me more than it does, because we're eating mostly healthy stuff, so we don't feel gross. It's been really nice not to feel like I have to do the dishes all the time. I don't have to worry about buying groceries, and I don't have to worry as much about all our groceries going bad before we eat them. cooking shopping, and eating is SO stressful for me. I feel like even when I make things I think mark will like, they're still not good enough, and then I feel selfish, because maybe I wasn't trying hard enough, and maybe all I care about is myself. then I feel like a wasteful person when it all goes bad in the fridge (although the compost helps with that). It's cut down on so much stress between mark and I, because there's no way to eat at home every meal, and have him satisfied. I can't make burgers or chicken fingers or pollo al chipotle every day of the week. if 'eating at home' means eating hot dogs or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, then is it really worth it?
I know we can't afford it, and we'll have to go back to cooking again soon, but oh goodness, I'm not sure if I'm ready to deal with it yet.

This is a huge part of the reason I'm not pushing the baby issue. they're so much more stress and work, and if I can barely take care of myself, should I be taking care of someone else?

I want this whole place to sparkle, I want to have a clean bright kitchen, but it's not going to be bright even if it's clean, so it always feels dirty everywhere in this house.