it's raining buckets.
i walked home in the rain, with thunder and lightening right over my head. it was scary, and cold, and i was soaked to my undies when i got home.
but you know, life needs adventures, even if they are uncomfortable scary ones.

we made all our invitations yesterday. they're really pretty, and it wasn't as much work as we thought it would be. we simplified some of our first ideas, so that helped. i'm trying to figure out if it's okay to hand them out to people at rebecca's and peter's weddings next week. i don't want to make people who aren't getting them to feel bad, or anything. but it would save so much on postage!
and i'm supposed to be painting. and it's not going very quickly. i think i pretty much finished christy's, unless i have some sort of epiphany while i'm out there next week.
next is a self portrait.
then hopefully while in chicago i'll do a picture of mark. maybe just watercolors or charcoals, or something else that won't ruin clothes/apartments, etc, and that won't take up lots of space in suitcases.
i'm really excited for these weddings, but i'm not so sure, also. it might be really emotional for me, being with mommy and daddy for a few days, and then being with peter and angela and kelsey and all for a few days, and everything with everybody changing. it might be weird, or it might just be hard. or i might not feel any difference at all.

painting is happening. sort of. i think something is wrong with my paints though. they don't feel right. but that is just a lame excuse. i need to get off my but and get work done!

so i need to remember how to be personal again.

christy was here for the weekend. she left here this morning, and i am much lonelier now than i thought i would be.
she came to bring me my wedding dress! which fits nicely, and i think is really lovely. it might be a bit warm come august, what with long sleeves and all, but fitting+free=i love it! it's really old fashioned feeling, and i feel very at-home in it, since it's mommy's. i don't have to figure out what is most "me" from all the mass=produced homogenized companies' stock, i find something personal instead. it feels much more comfortable that way.
while christy was here, we talked about her moving up here sometime in the next year or two (what fun!) and ate lots of food, and i had her sit for a portrait for me. it isn't quite done yet, but i need to only work on things like background and finishing touches, and the important bits are done. which means i probably should have finished it today, except i somehow accidentally took a three hour nap. it probably would've been longer, if i hadn't managed to convince myself that i ought to eat lunch sometime before dinner.
and, i officially received my first formal wedding gift yesterday! it's a lovely red blender, and i wish i could open it up and use it for smoothies and hummus and pesto right away! but i don't think that would be nice, and i'm afraid that i would break it or lose a piece in our mess of a kitchen, before i'm actually married, and moved to our nice new neat apartment. but it looks so tempting, and so... red.
i don't like being lonely, and i don't like spending hours online, and i don't like being in charge of planning this wedding, because i don't know what i'm doing, and i do know what i want, and i don't know how to let anyone else know.
i want to watch Firefly, and knit, and get to know other people who like those things, or at least people who don't creep me out or make me feel uncomfortable or awkward or lonelier.