we painted our new apartment yellow this weekend. parents, sisters, new apartment, things are beginning to get exciting. except that i had a test this morning,a nd work this afternoon, and none of them involved mark, or dallas, or being away from commerce, in general.

but i've spent the afternoon looking at things on rivendell, to compensate. mostly their bags, racks, etc. trying to stay away from bikes, seats, and the other sorts of things that i don't actually need. i really want some good, pretty bags/panniers so i can go off to tomthumb/central market/borders by myself, and not have to use the car. some things make this hard.
-size: obviously i iwll not buy as many groceries at once as i do now, but it would be nice to be able to fit quite alot in these babies. i also like the idea of us cutting down on unnessecary large food items, and going for smaller ones. not that we eat that much food in the first place, in fact, we need to eat more. but i think we should buy food when we need it, and not just because we ran out.
-look: i believe in cycling apparatus that does not coordinate with rainforest animals. natural colours are the best! no spandex, no neon things of any sort, although of course reflectors are useful. but those can be red or white, not radioactive. nigel smythe makes the most beautiful bags that ever graced a means of transport, and i want them, i just can't afford them, and i don't count myself as responsible enough to take care of them as well as i ought for hte next couple of years.
-function: as well as being big enough to hold groceries, i would like to easily remove them from my bike (like, one swift motion) and bring them into shops to use as a grocery basket, and therefore do away with plastic bags, etc. my current wire basket does this quite well, but does not fit on my most functional bike.

so i'm left with decisions. lower expectations and buy something cheap, ugly, badly made, or small.
or i can make my own, emulating the style of nigel smythe, but to my own sizing preferences. so i'm ploting my next trip to goodwill, and their plaid wool skirts section. and old leather belts. hah. it will be amazing.

twenty days till i get married
just over two weeks, and i can't wait. everything about what is happening after august 11th is filled with good feelings and relief and happiness, and i can't wait. sleeping in the same bed, in our new apartment, being in dallas, not being in commerce, whatever new job i have, hopefully at borders. camping on the way to colorado. being in colorado instead of texas. settling down and being together, instead of apart, forever. moving all of our fun new (and old) things into our pretty yellow and blue apartment.

everything during the next two weeks, however, i am a little more worried about, or just in general not having as much fun with. going to class. being cold in class, not taking good notes in class, going to work, being at work for too long, looking up obscure records while trying not to fall asleep (maria callas, joan sutherland, and pavarotti would haunt my dreams), being away from mark, seeing mark with alot of other people around. not knowing what to tell people to do during the week while i'm busy with school. packing, cleaning, living with people other than mark, having more and more people around.

but also i'm excited about the things coming up. some of them just because of what they represent, but also because i hope they will be fun too: painting our apartment, hanging out with mommy and daddy, having christy here, going to letourneau together, graduating, moving stuff into our apartment, setting things up for the wedding, seeing friends, even if just for a little bit. i'm so glad i'm finally graduating.

and i really hope i get a good job.

i'm done with the paintings, i think. (not that it matters, because it's too late to do anything about it.) i'm eating brie and whole grain bread, and drinking my secret stash of elderflower drink, to celebrate (and alleviate). i'm doing laundry, i've unpacked, am ready to repack, and am thinking 75% positively about this weekend, and deena living with me for a month.
and the washer's making a weird noise.
i accidnetally took an hour long nap this afternoon, so i'm surprised i have time to sit a breathe before vaughn comes over. i'm surprised i'm able to force myself to eat something.
i still need to clean my room: as in, my art stuff has taken over and is eating everything, and i need it to be fit to have someone sleep on the floor comfortably. probably even take apart and pack my easel. showering would be good, and making sure my laundry gets done, so i can have things to wear this weekend, and into the next weeks.
i'm looking foward to being married. it will be nice. nice to be around mark, without anybody else, which is not likely to happen for a while. nice to be able to eat with someone else, to eat at all. to have someone around ever, who is such a positive influence in so many ways. to have my own kitchen, refrigerator especially. to have my own bathroom that people aren't stealing TP from. seriously guys.
the wedding, we'll work on that. but being married, i can't wait.

it's raining buckets.
i walked home in the rain, with thunder and lightening right over my head. it was scary, and cold, and i was soaked to my undies when i got home.
but you know, life needs adventures, even if they are uncomfortable scary ones.

we made all our invitations yesterday. they're really pretty, and it wasn't as much work as we thought it would be. we simplified some of our first ideas, so that helped. i'm trying to figure out if it's okay to hand them out to people at rebecca's and peter's weddings next week. i don't want to make people who aren't getting them to feel bad, or anything. but it would save so much on postage!
and i'm supposed to be painting. and it's not going very quickly. i think i pretty much finished christy's, unless i have some sort of epiphany while i'm out there next week.
next is a self portrait.
then hopefully while in chicago i'll do a picture of mark. maybe just watercolors or charcoals, or something else that won't ruin clothes/apartments, etc, and that won't take up lots of space in suitcases.
i'm really excited for these weddings, but i'm not so sure, also. it might be really emotional for me, being with mommy and daddy for a few days, and then being with peter and angela and kelsey and all for a few days, and everything with everybody changing. it might be weird, or it might just be hard. or i might not feel any difference at all.

painting is happening. sort of. i think something is wrong with my paints though. they don't feel right. but that is just a lame excuse. i need to get off my but and get work done!

so i need to remember how to be personal again.

christy was here for the weekend. she left here this morning, and i am much lonelier now than i thought i would be.
she came to bring me my wedding dress! which fits nicely, and i think is really lovely. it might be a bit warm come august, what with long sleeves and all, but fitting+free=i love it! it's really old fashioned feeling, and i feel very at-home in it, since it's mommy's. i don't have to figure out what is most "me" from all the mass=produced homogenized companies' stock, i find something personal instead. it feels much more comfortable that way.
while christy was here, we talked about her moving up here sometime in the next year or two (what fun!) and ate lots of food, and i had her sit for a portrait for me. it isn't quite done yet, but i need to only work on things like background and finishing touches, and the important bits are done. which means i probably should have finished it today, except i somehow accidentally took a three hour nap. it probably would've been longer, if i hadn't managed to convince myself that i ought to eat lunch sometime before dinner.
and, i officially received my first formal wedding gift yesterday! it's a lovely red blender, and i wish i could open it up and use it for smoothies and hummus and pesto right away! but i don't think that would be nice, and i'm afraid that i would break it or lose a piece in our mess of a kitchen, before i'm actually married, and moved to our nice new neat apartment. but it looks so tempting, and so... red.
i don't like being lonely, and i don't like spending hours online, and i don't like being in charge of planning this wedding, because i don't know what i'm doing, and i do know what i want, and i don't know how to let anyone else know.
i want to watch Firefly, and knit, and get to know other people who like those things, or at least people who don't creep me out or make me feel uncomfortable or awkward or lonelier.